vriksaserket: vriksaserket: i changed the settings on my moms phone so that when she types my name it changes to ‘my favorite child’ and when she types a swear, it changes it to something more family friendly
partybarackisinthehousetonight: imagine if every single person in the world simultaneously said ‘mayonnaise’
dirkkat: i like how some people on tumblr tell you nothing about their personal lives and remain a total enigma even after months of following them and then some other people on tumblr practically liveblog their farts
blein: sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS...
wwworldwide: shampoo shampee
thewaywardfox: protip: if you cant remember someones name, just call them “old sport”
fartgallery: first you say “stop punching my son” and now you say “stop punching me”? lol make up your mind dude
babyferaligator: haha loser look at you sitting all by yourself at lunch but mom Im homeschooled
ambitiousbard: just be grateful that bing didn’t buy tumblr
cecefredzilla: snaketeen: there’s a thin line between word and world get out
ugh i have to study for finals NO MORE BLOGGING FOR ME FOR AROUND 2 WEEKS. IF SOMEONE SEES ME REBLOG SOMETHING FEEL FREE TO SEND ME HATE MAIL.
veryimportantneopian: naegajeiljalnaganigga: I wonder if my neopet is alive
comedy-con-couture: WHY DON’T HUMANS HAVE A MATING CALL THIS FLIRTING THING IS SO FUCKIN TIRESOME
dysenterygay: i asked my italian grandfather if the rough parts of italy were called the spaghetto and look at me w/ so much shame
dorfs: Woops my 10 minute study break turned into a whole year
noonereadstheurl: I honestly can’t blame David Karp for wanting to sell this website You can only be called “daddy” by white middle-class teenaged girls so many times before something just snaps
*Pollen accidentally enters body*
Immune system: What the hell is that?
Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl-
Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK
Pollen: What?!? No! We just got lo-
Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES
Pollen: The what?
Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?
Immune system: ALL OF THEM.
Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't... Oh shi-
isnt it weird how weve looks so weird but so normal if you put an apostrophe we’ve
sext: fist me like u tryna get the last couple pringles
bigstupidbaby: ugh mums are so annoying ‘clean ur room take out the trash im worried about your mental health why is there a dead guy in the living room’ ha ha yeah ok whatever mum
simplymykayla: cnnbreakingofficial: if tumblr was bought out for $1.1B and there are 60 million blogs that means each blog is worth $18.3 my blog is worth more than i am
z1c: being 20+ on tumblr